Honorable Discharge

Faciam honorifice . . . 

I have been here before.

Stuck.

I wrote about it here last year, and by a confluence of events and circumstances today I was in the physical location where it had occurred nearly a year ago. Being there again prompted me to reflect today, and then re-read what I had written and how it had felt and how it had changed me, and then today, to be reminded and to open myself to the fact that:

I have been here before, almost precisely here, and even back then, I had already been there/here before.

Stuck.

I am in a difficult position, being stuck and all, not able to act fully on meaningful desires. I have made them clear, but I’ll repeat that all desires are in these three: His For and With.

First I am in a kind of exile. Kinds, that is, and it is fine but horribly frustrating as I cannot do anything about it but allow time to pass.

Second, I am not a whiner, do not have a card in my deck with “victim” on it, and I do take responsibility for my own actions, and have taken far, far more responsibility for others and their well-being and security and comfort than is required of me. I do so with honor and for honor and have complete peace in that as well, although I do take into account that I have many shortcomings and so forth that, well, I simply have. But (and here is the actual second), I am being accused of acting otherwise. It is not true, not justified, and the perception that I have allowed to exist—am allowing—is not reality. It is perception only. So, I am stuck in that.

Third, I am slowly and methodically and strategically with words and actions (remember, I have been here before, almost precisely so) being backed into a corner. I have also stated elsewhere what I shall do about it.

And there, right there, is the rub in all of this. Even writing the above may be misconstrued as less than honorable. I have no control over that, except not to have written it. But I did. I am sure that all of the reasons I did write it are unknowable by me, but one reason that is true is that honor is a large word.

HONOR

I must, you see, also honor myself—not first, not before Him or others or another, but in the mix. It is “part and parcel and particle” of the truth. So . . . I am writing about it and will soon be forced to wrangle and wrestle with will and want and words, and either speak fully or go out with a whimper. There is no going out with a bang, you see, nothing like that. My desire is that there be no “going out” at all, but if it is required, then I must maintain some sense of self. I won’t shoot myself in the foot, nor allow my foot to be shot or worse still allow it to become a shot foot. It is my foot!

In other words, I must have an honorable discharge.


Oh well, enough about that.

Come what may and all the rest.

I will take all hits, and avoid throwing any punches as long as I can. If there is any crossfire, please know know know that it is not your battle, not your cause, not in any conceivable way your doing. You are an observer only, so don’t invest in it, please. Just come back here to WaughPaper and know that your presence is my joy. Always. He began a good work, and he will indeed see it to completion.


His. For. With.


Here is some music to seal the deal.


Music Copyright 1999 RHCC Praise Ministry