One Song, A Lifetime of Verses
Immediately when I began to write just now, you brought Holst’s “Neptune, The Mystic” to my ears. It is how I am feeling, you know.
You also know just how difficult all of this is for me. You also know that, not only am I up for it, but I am up to it. No worries there, okay? But, it is not easy and is perhaps the most difficult thing that I have ever attempted.
I am wondering something, and I think about this quite a lot. Again, you know this, and I do know that you understand. The thing I am wondering is if I am supposed to do something besides wait on you. Are you waiting for me? I mean are you waiting for me to do something, to take a step, take the initiative, show you or tell you or . . . ?
Only you know.
Because I will. Do it. I am not afraid. But, I do not want to be foolish either. Been there, done that.
I think and pray that a sign would be helpful. It is all simply (Dear God, it is so beautifully simple and holy crap, God it is so complex) too important for me to muck up. But I do not want to muck it up by inaction either. So, yeah, I need a little help.
You know, if it were entirely up to me, well, I’d just forge ahead, go right into it.
Take that picture up there, for example. It is a picture of a picture of Amsterdam at night. It covers a wall outside a “prayer room” where I stop every day. I have been right there, God, in Amsterdam at night along the canals, and I’d go there again right now if I could get a quick flight, but I really doubt this is the time. But, of course, I have no idea what to do about it. And that is my point: IHNI.
And it is all almost okay, really it is. I am fine, and I am well-situated and healthy, and all I need to do is have one more episode in which a doctor cuts open my flesh and replaces a faulty part. That one is going to take a little while, but I have a plan well in place so that in a few months I will be better than new. But, I don’t really think that is a condition, is it? Is that something I gotta do first?
And now, God, thank you again, because it is Benedictus by Karl Jenkins, but played beautifully by piano only.
I remember clearly when I heard it last year: the time, the place, the circumstance, what I was thinking and praying and wondering then, all of it. Yes, I was wondering then too, God, and then with this music that night I knew, late one night on route Gratitude. I began to know then what I know know know now. Oh, how I know it! And I do like knowing and I do dislike no-ing, so thank you for the yes-ing.
Well, I could say more, but I shall not. Tomorrow is a large day and I will just fade away for now and sleep on it, and then go to work on my only route.
Thank you for Shade.
You carry my heart, even when silent,